Stepping in as a Step-Parent??? How to successfully adjust in a blended family dynamics…

Why STEPMOM is the word ??? It’s all because you have to step into someone else’s shoe, take someone else’s place, quite honestly you’ve stepped in a position of constant scrutiny and comparison for the place you are now in, doesn’t this in itself sounds like the most daunting relationship to put your feet into??

Yet many have not only undertaken this challenge head-on but have also managed to successfully carve a beautiful and thriving bond with the new family, especially with the step kids. Islam gives women immense freedom and rights, one being the liberty to choose to be accountable or a part of bringing up their step kids or not, it isn’t an obligation on them, however, if they do so, they will earn the reward for it.

Essentially there are two scenarios in which a woman enters a family as a stepmom :

The first being, the biological father of the kids has lost his better half and found his new love and companion in you, this scenario is relatively easier to deal with, reminds me of a famous quote –

” There is an instinct in every woman to love most her own child; and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own”- Robert Brault.

And being with kids who have lost their mum naturally evokes empathy and compassion, and hence makes the job to parent them much easier and smoother. A more compelling reason for any believing women to take care and establish a good bond with her stepchildren is in the light of the following Sunnah, our beloved Prophet (peace and blessing of Allah may be upon him) once told the miraculous benefits of taking care of orphans

“The one who cares for an orphan and myself will be together in Paradise like this.” [he showed joining his fore and middle finger]- (Bukhari)

Now coming to the second and often more challenging and complex scenario is entering a family which has suffered the stroke of a broken relationship , where the biological mum is still a part of the family and is in contact with the kids .

So here’s the story of one such sister, Khadija AL- Kaddour, a parenting educator, NLP certified motherhood coach, motivational speaker, a mother to 5 boys and a stepmom to 2. Her journey as a stepmother at a young age is a story of inspiration and hope for many women who happen to be step mums and are struggling in the complex family dynamics.

At 17 she got married to a separated man and became a mum to 2 very young boys aged 4 and 5, getting and adjusting to such a family dynamic wasn’t so easy and natural, and she had her own share of challenges, insecurities and lessons to learn, but only to make her wiser and more resilient. Her journey to shoulder this responsibility, and build a strong, healthy family is inspirational. This post summarizes the various challenges and solutions on her journey she revealed in our latest podcast Monday Musings.

Challenges women face as Step Mums:

• Overwhelming emotions: 17 or 27, let’s be candid, whatever age we might be in, we always dream of getting married to a man who is, was and will always be ours, so by itself getting married to someone who had been in a marital relationship before you, is quite an overwhelming feeling to experience. It takes a lot of courage and strength to be a part of such a nuptial relationship. However prepared or ready one might be, the voice in the head always gives way to that doubt and insecurity which the heart is trying to suppress.

• Excessive sense of responsibility right from day 1: As a woman entering wedlock, we all want a gradual and swift transition, first few months/years of building a strong, cohesive bond with our spouse, and then moving to the next phase i.e. Motherhood. But for a Step Mum this isn’t the reality, right from the day she enters her new home and relationship, she has to shoulder the responsibility as a mum. Very often this dynamic comes between the establishment of a strong marital bond.

• Dealing with prejudiced kids: Not to forget these are the kids of the woman who isn’t their father’s wife now, but will always be their mother and so part of that resentment towards the new step mum is justified. Also, the reason for the separation was between the spouses, not between kids and their mum, so to an extent, it’s not fair on our part to hold them for their biased feelings and prejudices. Just as in sister Khadija’s case, children are shuttling in two diverse atmospheres and are left confused as to where to adjust, in many cases they take the step mum as someone who came between their parents, and this is a very serious and challenging issue to settle.

• Being subject to comparisons with the biological mum: this is a very challenging and unsolicited part of being a step mum, for not just kids, sometimes even your spouse will make that casual comparative remark, and this is hurtful even for the most patient of women. No one wants to be in a situation to be compared or critiqued, to be constantly judged for what someone else in your place would have or could have done.

• The constant fear of doing it all wrong: While any young and new bride has a rational and palpable fear of leaving her own nest, moving into an entirely new setup, and building new relations, what’s more, intimidating is moving in a blended family dynamic and making your own place. Most of our fears stem from insecurities, our own personal mental blocks, even before undertaking a task we feel inadequate and unequipped to handle our challenges, this mode only attracts more chances of failure.

Sister Khadija Al- Kaddour’s story sounds like a testimony of Allah’s SWT divine plan, for He doesn’t put us in a situation without preparing us for it, so while in her first relationship she happened to be the step-parent, she learnt and grew, got to know the challenges as a step-parent and solutions to deal with them, in her second relationship her now-husband, is the step-parent to her boys. Together with her husband, on this not so easy journey, she devises practical doable solutions.

Tips for adjusting in a blended family :

• Trusting Allah SWT: Every experience and every test is an exercise to bring us closer to Allah SWT, while taqwa (being God-conscious) is the primary building block of Imaan(faith), tawakkul ( trusting in Allah’s divine plan) is equally pivotal in nurturing the imaan, and hence even the most difficult situations should be dealt with tawakkul, one should trust the divine decree and keep his/her own niyaah (intention) right. So for anyone embarking on this journey the advice is to put all their fears and apprehensions aside, an honest and sincere effort from your end is nothing less than an act of tawakkul.

• Checking within yourself: Your journey is unique and no-one can live it like you, so rest assured whatever you do or try to do is right, it’s your game and no-one can play it better than you. You will meet a lot of people giving you suggestions and telling you what is right and what is not, but honestly trust your own gut. Also it’s very important to be self-aware, very often in a relationship we get triggered easily and unjustifiably owing to our own preconceived notions or past experiences, it’s very important to self analyze and root out our own negative and limiting beliefs. This complex relationship one has with step kids often makes one judgmental and irrational, every behaviour and action is associated with your own mind’s fantasy, for example, your stepchild might say something rude in the moment of an argument or proving his/her point and you take it personally, thinking that he/she is trying to demean you, put you down, trying to ruin your relationship with your spouse etc. while the same thing could be done by your own child in which case you wouldn’t think that ways.

• Empathizing with the step kids: Whether they have lost their mom or their parents have chosen to part ways, in both situations the kids are worthy of your empathy. Remember all this has happened without their say, and other than anything else the least they deserve is kindness and compassion, as a step mum here, you need to have a shift in perspective, see the situation from the child’s point of view and you’ll understand their struggle and emotions, parent them through empathy and understanding. Just a bit of wearing someone else’s shoes is a life changer.

• Giving the relationship time: Rome wasn’t built in a day, every strong and healthy relationship takes a lot of groundwork, I am a strong proponent of the love tank theory, for the first few years of marriage or any other relationship you have to focus on filling the empty tank, A couple’s Love Tank is filled by the frequency of emotional connections and affection, and is drained by the ways couples disconnect, and that’s how it works in every other relationship, so once you are in a relationship your priority should be seeking ways to fill the tank. It goes a long way and helps you in moments of crisis (which inevitably will be there in every relationship). Do not try to get into a disciplinary mode right after becoming a step-parent, it’s important to first look for ways to connect and establish a strong and amicable bond with the step kids.

• No one is wrong: Be mindful of the conscious and subconscious messages we give to our stepchildren, be it about our spouses or our ex’s or our biological counterparts…..very often in a quest to look correct and right, we find it imperative to put someone else in the wrong box. This is a complete NO, for building healthy, sound and long-lasting relationships, it’s important that you set the right example, DO NOT talk or insinuate negativity about any member of the blended family, a lot of times we get emotional and its easier to shed the burden of our pain, resentment and anger on to someone else’s shoulder, but remember it is the most devastating thing you can do to break a family, physically and emotionally, here would like to quote the Hadith of Prophet Muhammad SAW –

“Let the one who believes in Allah and the Last Day speak good or remain silent”

(Sahih Bukhari, Hadith: 6018-6019, 6475 and Sahih Muslim, Hadith: 47-48)

For more, tune in to the latest podcast by sister Iroda, sister Iram Bint Safia and our guest speaker sister Khadija AL- Kaddour, who in a very subtle way sheds profound insights on the challenges and solutions to Stepparenting.