Busy Husband, Lonely Wife. Tips on How to Break This Dynamic

“You haven’t spoken since I came home,” he remarked nonchalantly.

The slippery hold over her conflicting emotions vanished, she glared at him, “Oh did you just notice? Should I feel honoured to have finally become the recipient of your attention? Your kids have been craving for your time, asking me non-stop when will you come, why do you take so long? When would we eat dinner together as a family? I’ve been at a loss how to gently break it to them, oh your father doesn’t care, he would rather have a fancy dinner with some colleagues in peace than with his children. He would rather spend hours on the phone counselling his distressed subordinate than read you a story.”

He bristled, his features darkened, “you have no idea what I do at work and why it’s important that I dedicate the time that I do for my job. Who do you think I’m working so hard for? My children or to amuse my boss.”

He turned to his phone next and so did she, numbing the pain and confusion brought about with loneliness and misunderstandings. With trembling fingers she set herself to message her best friend, she jabbed the screen hard, as if doing so will let off the building pressure of resentment.

“I can’t believe it,” she ranted, “He is almost absent from our lives. We miss him and crave his attention but if I complain about bringing work home, he justifies it by saying that networking outside office hours is also part of work. It’s all for the family apparently he says. When the said family wants his input, he has no energy for the kids’ dramatics and my conversations. I hate this trap we are stuck in.”

Have you ever been the recipient or sender of such messages sent in secret from a lonely and bitter wife with a husband of good character yet she still felt isolated because he tirelessly worked providing for his family? She would complain and nag feeling guilty for not being grateful but she can not be content. Her husband is doing his part right, he is kind and gentle and his family is well cared for but there is definitely something that is missing.

Almost every woman enters marriage with some sort of fantasy and her own grand ideas of the promised happily ever after. Generally, we have a very romanticized concept of a husband who is full of expressive love and always eager to rescue the damsel-mom being one step ahead of her effortlessly finishing the chores and most of all, leaving work at work.

However, the reality is that in the current competitive society, men are usually brought up with the idea of self-reliance as masculine bravado in the role of being the primary breadwinner. Thus the perfection has driven and increasing standards of today’s world take its toll in the form of frustration and stress mismanagement. It is not just their duty to provide for their family but also their fitrah (nature) to strive for professional excellence and getting too caught up, they can lose track of their work-life balance and get comfortable in their relationship and may neglect the emotional needs of their spouse and children.

She raced towards her phone at the sound of a reply, her friend responded mirroring some of her righteous anger but ended her note with something that made her pause, “you don’t have to remain stuck like this. You can always try and take the first step to break this pattern.”

Acknowledge your Expectations

You need his time. You require his undivided attention. You expect him once in a while to arrange a grand show of expressing his love. However, somewhere in your subconscious, you neglect to openly admit and acknowledge your emotional needs and respectfully communicate them. We are sometimes conditioned to believe that we would seem ungrateful if we express our wishes to be doted upon while they pay the bills and provide for the family. We let the yearning of our empty love tank fester into bitter resentment. These wounds don’t need to be hidden away because in reality no one can replace the fulfilment a woman can get from her husband’s time and attention and there is no fault in admitting them in a gentle and assertive manner.

Positive Communication

For anyone hoping to see the change in someone’s behaviour, it is proven that they must approach the matter in a positive manner because punishment whether in the form of words or consequences only focuses on the elimination of the action. We want to get the desired kinship back in our marriage. We want to feel loved, prioritized and valued. This can not be achieved by employing shame and guilt because no one who is made to feel misunderstood and devalued will want to become respectful, supportive and understanding in return.

Sadly, respect has been reduced to a seven-lettered fancy word that only a few could legitimately wield in its essence. We thrive off rude jokes and labels for both husband and wife and the sanctity of the bond called marriage. Misogynist wife jokes are popularly circulated and wives also respond with matching viciousness. A wife can easily remark to her friends, how much of a baby or inept her husband is, her extra overgrown child from another mother. Careless labels settle into our subconscious and influence our behaviour toward the person in question.

To be able to positively communicate, it is necessary that you are deeply aware of what and why you feel what you do so that this knowledge aids you ineffective communication. Nagging and blaming without knowing the cause of your feelings will only result in a defensive response with no results.

• You are upset because your husband has unbalanced priorities. You wished he was there so you could tell him how troubled you were that your son was struggling in math and his intervention would have helped him immensely.
• You are lonely because he fails to give you undivided attention. You wanted to share an article you read online. His snarky input would have rejuvenated your mood for so many coming days.
• You are stressed juggling parenting and other areas of life all alone. I wish he would make me a cup of green tea after dinner. It’s a balm to my mind after a hectic day.
• You want family time during dinner. We all enjoy his sense of humour, the kids love it when he teases them and they bask in his praises when they narrate their achievements of the day.
• Why did I marry him/choose to remain married to him when I ended up so lonely? In the race toward more and more, finding someone who wouldn’t lose sight of our ultimate goal of akhirah was a rare and valuable find. My children need to witness a role model of someone who would never compromise their deen in the pursuit of worldly glamour.

“Stop pouting and frowning.” He admonished, “It can’t be so annoying to have to warm food again that you are making such a face.”

She sighed, wiped her hands dry and turned to face him, standing at the door of the kitchen watching her. “I’m upset,” she acknowledged, “I know you have a lot going on at work but we also miss you at home. I feel your absence keenly when we eat dinner without you. I am not enjoying the food or the kids, I feel like I’m only being a referee reprimanding the kids of their appalling table manners. However, when you are with us, we are joking and teasing each other. The kids are competing to tell about their day first just to hear you praise them. Didn’t you notice how much they glow when you compliment them?”

He looked stricken, “I’ll try to be home before dinner more frequently even if every day isn’t possible. The kids definitely look forward to our time together.”

She crossed her arms, “Only the kids look forward to spending their time with you and I don’t. Of course, I totally don’t need to tell you what a ridiculous piece of writing I read the other day. I spent an hour crying with laughter but of course, I don’t need to tell you about it.”

He stepped into the kitchen and sat down on a chair, intrigued. He feigned his disinterest, “I don’t particularly care about hearing about every other ridiculous article that you so fervently devour. There are much more important things to think about.”

She smiled, letting it drop but she knew he would ask about it again, instead she let the conversation build on what he said, “Important things, yes! If you could see the children’s math on the weekend, please. I’m running out of ideas about how to get the multiplication facts to stick.”

He grunted but didn’t refuse.

“Thank you, I really appreciate it if you could make time for them and perhaps if you could read them from a story from the Seerah as well? It doesn’t do good for the kids to only see us chasing a worldly goal, our jobs, career and so on.”

He was solemn when he agreed and they made more plans together for the time he would squeeze out of his work schedule. As she wrapped up her night’s kitchen cleaning, he suddenly spoke up, “oh yes, about that article you spoke of…”

Ego be gone

We wait for carefully thoughtful surprises more than straightforward affection. In our heads, we cook up many possible things our husband can do leaving us stunned and touched. We drop in coded hints, beat around the bush and then feel disappointed when our husbands fail to comprehend.

The best example of receiving love is that of a daughter. The little girl does not wait for her father to understand the affections she requires from him. If she wants a hug, she would walk right up to her father, unabashed, clamber over him and settle for a cosy snuggle. If she sees something she likes, she will ask, plead and then butter him up and contently receive the desired object.

Are you also secretly hoping to receive attention and love without outright asking for it? Yes, it would not feel as meaningful or romantic but is the notion of this romance worth brewing resentment for the very person you wish to receive love from?

“Every time I ask for something, whether it’s a necessity for home or its something I want, he will never refuse and I will get it in a few days.” She lamented to her friend, “But at what price? ‘Why are you still nagging me, didn’t I get you what you needed.’ That’s what he responds. It’s true I’m happy he doesn’t let any wish unfulfilled that but why can’t he comprehend I need his attention and presence. I’m seeking that more than anything. The collection of these material things is just making me feel more empty.”

“So say that to him next time. Ah, men! I wish it was easier and they picked up these subtle clues but if he can’t figure it out, don’t keep waiting. You also deserve it.”

The next time her husband readied to head out for an errand, he called out and asked if she needed him to bring anything.
She fidgeted for a bit and then finally blurted, “I want a surprise. Just for me not the kids. Yes, I mean, that is… something I like to see, eat and yes even smell, you should probably remember one or two.”

Bring me Solutions

It is known for managers to say, Don’t bring me problems, bring me solution. This approach in the workplace avoids the complaining and pushes employees to actively brainstorm possible breakthrough idea for any difficulty in their organization. For an instance imagine your husband, your boss, who is definitely not thrilled to hear a barrage of problems and complains, each making him feel burdened or even incompetent. Bringing a solution brings value, so bring value to your position as a wife, mother and an irreplaceable foundation of the household.

If your problem with your husband is his use of his phone or laptop for work at home then schedule a gadget-free family meeting and inform him of it. Plan your day carefully and manage the activities you wish to do together as a family in the time when you are sure your husband will be available. The burden you feel by juggling all the task alone can easily be lightened if instead of the complaint and blaming the husband, you sit down together and see what activities he can take responsibility for. Consult his opinion on the solutions if he can’t personally assist in solving them. Involve him and make him feel he is a valuable part of the household.

Your Women-only Tribe

Many young mothers feel isolated in the daily mayhem of sleepless nights, picky eaters and the never-ending cycle of mess and clutter. Therefore, it is so important to have a group of like-minded women friends with whom you can connect. Women who get you, know what it is to be in the situation you are in and be there for you when you need a little boost. Your husband may be amazing but the validation you can get from your tribe of like-minded friends would be vital to become a healthier and happier woman.

“What are you smiling about?”

She looked up startled from her phone, where she had been busy texting and planning the next homeschool project together with her co-op group. “Smiling? Ah, yes. I’m really excited about doing something together with the co-op ladies. The kids will have fun for sure but it’s awesome to look forward to doing something with just girls again.”

She watched him expectantly, awaiting his response. He looked a little forlorn as he shrugged. Her mouth opened as a realization dawned upon her, “Dare I say, you feel jealous that I’m not smiling because of you for once.”

He snorted, “Of course not!” but she laughed.

To have righteous company you can turn back to is one of the best blessings from Allah.

Umar ibn Al-Khattab (ra) was sitting with a group of his companions. He told them: “Make a wish!” One of them said, “I wish to have as much gold as would fill this whole house, so that I could spend it in Jihad.” Then again ‘Umar said: “Make a wish!” and another man said, “I wish that this house was full of jewels and pearls so that I could spend it all in Jihad and charity for the sake of Allah.”
Umar said for the third time: “Make a wish.” His companions said: “We don’t know what to say, O leader of the believers.”
Thereupon Umar said, “I wish that this house was full of men like Abu ‘Ubaydah Ibn Al-Jarraah, Mu’aadh ibn Jabal and Saalim who works for Abu Hudhayfah in order to use them to spread the word of Allah.”

Even for one of our most awe-inspiring and formidable Sahaba, Umar (RA), the company of pious men was more valuable than jewels, gold and pearls spent in charity or Jihad. Seeking the company of pious women to soothe the feeling of isolation if your husband is mostly busy will have impact far beyond mere companionship because it becomes the means of being more conscious of Allah, our real goal in life.

It may not be the easiest road to find company that will bring the best from you, especially if you are living far from the communities that you wish to connect with so alternatively you can connect with such ladies virtually through the internet, reading their blogs or listening to podcasts.

رَبِّ هَبْ لِي حُكْمًا وَأَلْحِقْنِي بِالصَّالِحِينَ

“O my Lord! bestow wisdom on me, and join me with the righteous;”

26:83

Love Languages

We all speak a language that is true and unique to us. Our language is personal, it is our identity and how we choose to speak it determines our influence. However, our speech is not the only language unique to us for there is also a language of our heart that we all uniquely relate to the most. According to Gary Chapman, in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, the love languages are:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

It is true that all these love languages make us feel happy but usually, there is one that you lean most towards, that your heart speaks and listens with. What is the language that fills your heart and makes you feel cherished and loved? Learn your and your husband’s love language because the knowledge of it will strengthen your bond and help you be more understanding and appreciative of each other’s efforts.

Her head was hurting and her eyes burnt due to the effort she made to remain awake. The kids, on the other hand, showed no sign of dwindling energy. There was something quite natural in how her husband rounded the kids and got them ready for bed but this task required more than the usual efforts from her.

And so when the monumental task was done and she stood to return to her bed, spent and exhausted she heard her husband come home. When she went to greet him, she spied a few things in his hand. At her curious gaze, he sheepishly explained, “I saw a few treats on my way back. I knew you would appreciate indulging in some extra calories after a tough day.”

She frowned. She didn’t want treats from him. Trinkets only made her suspicious as if her husband was trying to replace his needed presence with things. She glanced back at his anticipatory face and immediately realized, he wasn’t replacing his presence with thing but rather it was his way of expressing his thoughtful care. With a smile, she accepted his offering but gave him a stern warning, “You may be saved for now. Next time you will make up for being this by doing dishes for a week.”

Excite your Soul

There must be something beyond being a wife and mother that excites you and gives you purpose. A hobby or skill that you enjoy doing outside the daily routine nurtures and excites your soul. If you have pushed aside nurturing yourself and doing things that excite you then you are not properly filling your own cup. The only person who can bring true happiness and contentment to you is your own self. Rediscover your passion and invest appropriate time into it because a woman with a purpose is rarely lonely.

It was a passing thought she had thrown to her group of friends but she had not expected this response. They were relentless with their insistence that she call back the part of her she had reluctantly parted with when she donned the hats of being a wife and a mother. Surely right now, there was little time and too many distractions to dedicate to such endeavors.

Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.

13:11

She sat down and closed her eyes. Despite the noise of her children playing and the mental to-do list nagging her conscience, she focused within herself and ushered a part of her, deep into sleep. She found her, reluctant and hesitant after so many years of inactivity but after careful coaxing, she managed to bring her out. Slowly but surely she set to work – lifting her pen, she began to write.

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For more information on the role of a wife and mother, tune in to this week’s amazing podcast, Monday Musing Episode 6 with Asbah Alaena from AMuslimMamaComics