Day 20: There is no parenting approach that fits one child
One summer few years ago, when we got back from our usual summer trip outside Saudi, I was telling this story to a friend of mine. She was listening and chuckling away at my question.“How do parents do that? No, really, how can they do that?” I asked my friend.
The story was this.
While still in the UK, I took our children to one of the local parks with the loveliest playground area. After playing a little, kids were excited to hear the usual sirens of an ice-cream van. We all got ice-cream, including this other family with a four or five-year-old girl. My daughter and this little girl were playing together going up and down the slides. As soon as they got what they wanted, they both ran off towards the slide with a cone of ice cream in their hands, ignoring us mums shouting “Can you just sit down somewhere to finish your ice-cream?”Within seconds of going up the ladder of this tall slide, they both dropped their ice-creams.
Me: “Well, it serves you right. Who told you to go up the slide with an ice-cream in your hand? You should have listened to mummy and sit down.”
The other mother: “Aw darling, never mind. It’s ok, darling. We will get you a new one. No need to cry.”
I just glanced at her sideways for few seconds and thought to myself “How, on earth, can she do that?”
I then excused myself “She has probably got just that one while I have five. I haven’t got patience for that.” By then I was wise enough to free myself up from the guilt syndrome.
I have read many parenting books to date to find the answers to all my questions. I have talked to many parents that I have worked with. I have had many discussions with my own parents, mother-in-law and friends. And I can tell you that complicated questions don’t have simple answers. You have to dig deep within yourself, do some soul-searching and self-exploration work in order to make amends and adopt new styles.
Some parent educators, experts and books promise you quick relief from the anxieties, mistakes and heartaches of raising children. Too tempting, there is no quick-fix solution to all our problems. We do a terrible disservice to ourselves when misled by this notion.
Some state that I am supposed to say “That’s all fine, darling. I understand. You wanted to hit your little sister but instead, you decided to hit the vase” when they accidentally knock over it. Too clinical, our living room isn’t a child therapist’s room.
Some claim to be the scientific method involving research procedures and new insights in child studies. None knows your child as much as you do.
While my “book learning” was very helpful, some of the best guidance I needed came from my own personal reflections, talking to a close friend and discussing the matters with my mother-in-law. She is a great woman who can see things I am blind to and can always bring a healthy perspective to a problem.
In a nutshell, there is no parenting approach that fits your children. You have to create one, invent one, make one. Your parenting must be DIY.
At the end of the day, whatever you read, you hear, you listen to- you have to make your own decision because you live with your children.
And if we learned anything about child raising from our children, it is that no two children can be handled in the same way. I can especially relate to this as a mother of six children.
My sister, let me leave you with this one message – nothing is easier than making yourself feel guilty. We willingly blame ourselves for every problem. Well, guilt tends to paralyze you. So, when you have your “How on earth I can’t be ‘aw my little darling’ parent” moment, excuse yourself, give up the guilt and enjoy your freedom of experimenting with new approaches.
Happy DIY parenting!!! And you are welcome!!!
Iroda Ahmed
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