The Second most important thing we can teach a child
After self-love, I believe the second most important life skill to teach children is the ability to identify and interpret their own emotions and those of the people around them. They call it emotional intelligence these days. It’s the ability to read and interpret one’s own behaviour first and foremost. Once we can identify, name and understand what we are feeling, we can then understand how these emotions affect other people around us. This is a valuable skill in all future relationships that I believe each child should be imparted with when entering adult life.
This incident took place many years ago and yet I remember it so distinctively well. I always retell it in my parenting classes because it left such a mark on me at the time. One day after we got back from grocery shopping we started unpacking and putting the things away. My then four-year-old daughter decided to help and before I knew it she dropped the whole tray of eggs on the floor. She was holding the tray while trying to open the fridge door. All I remember was seeing a tray of broken eggs on the floor. I got angry very quickly. I started blurting out my usual line of reaction:
– Well, why on earth would you try to open the fridge while you are still holding the tray? You weren’t supposed to help. Look, you have created an extra job for me. Who asked you to help anyway? Blah, blah, blah.
The thing about reacting is, once you start it gets very difficult to stop. Well, my daughter just looked at me and said something which stopped me dead in my tracks. She said: “You scare me when you yell so loud”. Suddenly my mood changed. I stood there in the kitchen thinking “What? Why? This one is so smart, so intelligent. She knows how to communicate her feelings. My older children could not say such things at her age. Perhaps partly because I could not either”.
My fifth child can comfortably and spontaneously communicate her feelings by saying “I’m scared”, “I love you a lot” and “You made me upset by saying that” because I’m constantly communicating my own feelings to her. Why is it so important you might say? Well, a child who can name her emotions like fear, anger, frustration, jealousy and where they are coming from can also read other people’s behaviour like a book. This skill will enable her to form much deeper relationships with those around her.
One day not so long ago, when I got home from work I was in a bad mood. As usual, as soon as I walk through the door, so many things start happening at once. I walk in with the thought on top of my to-do list such as taking the meat out of the freezer and cook something that hopefully everyone eats. Then my son walks into the kitchen with his homework. Simultaneously, my toddler complains how the elder siblings teased her. I asked one of my daughters to make me a cup of tea which she happily obliged. I was feeling agitated because of what had happened at work. I shoo everyone out with “You guys make so much noise. Can I just have my cup of tea in peace, please” Then I hear them talking “Mum is always exaggerating things”. And my intelligent one, the one who dropped the eggs, mumbles “She is just in a bad mood- maybe she had a fight with a naughty student in the class. Or bad traffic jam on the way home.” I stop dead in my tracks again, go out and hug them all.
Imagine if every time we get angry, sad, happy, or afraid we can name these emotions, identify where they came from, and communicate “I became frustrated because…..” “I got upset when……” “This scares me…..” If a child can tell her mother “You scare me when you yell so loud” there is a high chance that the mother will try to reason with her calmly.
Iroda Ahmed
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