Mum guilt is counterproductive, Regretting isn’t.
Today we are bombarded with opinions all around. There are so many parenting books available suggesting what to feed your children, when to potty train your toddler, how to talk to your teenager, how to raise girls, how to raise boys- each full of never-ending suggestions. I have enjoyed reading a great deal of those books myself. All is good because we have access to resources, child studies and psychological findings that were never available to the previous generation of parents. And yet with so much information at hand, we are more bewildered than ever. Sometimes I wonder if the information overload leads to feelings of guilt too.
Moreover, most mothers feel guilty not because they are failing as a mother but because most of the guilty feelings stem from one’s own childhood. If we were made to feel guilty for our shortcomings as a child, it is only natural we pass this on to our children. For example, I and my siblings were never allowed to make childish mistakes in our household. Each childlike accident was perceived as being intentional. Sometimes I felt guilty for being impatient, sometimes I felt guilty for being unreasonable and other times I felt guilty for not measuring up to my parent’s expectations. All of these are signs of immaturity in children and if we can’t be immature as a child then when? Generation after generation we pass on this guilt feeling because we can’t tolerate childlike immaturity. We continue to raise children who feel guilty about normal childish behaviour.
In my just a little over a decade of parenting, I realized mum guilt is counterproductive. Instead of moving you forward, it paralyzes you. When we feel guilty, we become hopeless. Mum guilt may even lead to feelings of self-hatred. And when that happens, we can’t take the actions needed to change whatever needs changing. One mother recently disclosed to me “I’m such a rotten mother that it’s hopeless to try to improve things now” That is what guilt does. It keeps you stuck. I’m not suggesting we should never feel guilty. What I am suggesting we should forgive ourselves in those moments, regret what we had done and move on.
For example, you hit your child in a moment of anger. Afterwards, you start feeling guilty. If you don’t forgive yourself in that moment, you will look for ways of self-punishing. You drop the bowl in your hand, you bang the door and may even start yelling. All you are trying to do is to disguise those tormenting guilty feelings. However, if you forgive yourself in that moment, you regret what you had done and say to your child “What you had done made me very angry. But I wish I had not hit you. I am sorry.” Regretting is quite okay but prolonged feelings of guilt aren’t.
Always choose to forgive yourself and regret. Move on with ease but plans to do things better next time.
Iroda Ahmed
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