How to beat the ‘mum guilt’
Often it feels like you can never win as a mother. You feel guilty for not spending quality time with your teenager and when you do you feel guilty for ‘neglecting’ the little ones. You feel guilty for allowing too much screen time and when you cut it off you feel guilty that your children are ‘less’ aware of what goes on in the outside world. They are wrapped up in a bubble and you worry what will happen to them once the bubble wrap bursts. Motherhood is the most challenging role we will ever take. And mum guilt- feeling not good about ourselves when fulfilling this role- will leave us bewildered, confused and often mentally exhausted. It will prevent you from functioning your best as a mother.
Most feelings of guilt reflect our attitude towards ourselves rather than our children. When nothing seems to be going right, we conclude that we’re incompetent in ‘motherhood’ department. We assume that the ‘guilty’ situation we are caught up in will last forever. We assume we have damaged our kids and things will never turn around. Children often sense such things and live out our assumptions for us. Therefore, you have to change your attitude towards yourself. Practice self-compassion. How would you speak to a friend who is feeling guilty? You’d be so kind. You’d tell her she’s doing great; she’s doing her best. You’d tell her things will get better. Do the same for yourself. Positive self-talk and self-affirmation will help.
Once we tackle the internal battles, the best antidote for mum guilt is taking an action. You validate yourself. You consciously trying to change your negative, anxious and worrisome thoughts. And if you are still feeling guilty – perhaps it is a good indicator that some things must be changed. What can you do differently? Stop screaming or yelling? Stop overreacting? Start connecting and bonding? What is it that your children do that bothers you the most? How do you usually deal with those situations? Do you disappoint yourself? Now, imagine a different outcome- one which leaves both you and your child happy. How did you get there? What did you say to your child? How did you speak? Train your mind to act out your ideal response. Once it is in the mind, it actually gets easier to follow it through in reality. Visualize calm and collected you choosing to respond in each frustrating situation you so you can act upon it when similar situations occur in real life.
Last but not least, be firm and follow through what you have decided. We don’t live to please our children. You make the decisions based on your values- Islamic values, family values, some cultural traditions that don’t contradict Islam but rather add meaning and quality to your life. Once decided, we have to stand by our decisions. Children often sense our indecision and take advantage of it. Don’t give in just because you can’t bear your child’s disapproval. Unfortunately, our minds are loaded with never-ending adverts and children are bombarded with useless entertainment products. As such we have become a culture that wants what it wants when it wants it and parents have been caught right in the middle of this tide.
It’s wonderful that our children can speak up their mind. However, it is not so wonderful that we seem afraid of our own children; afraid to say NO; afraid to deal with their natural reactions of being upset. Children need laughter as well as tears. Saying NO is quite okay. Even if you feel like a fish swimming against the stream, say NO when needed without feeling guilty. I often feel like a party pooper for not allowing children to attend birthday parties, sleepovers or reading certain popular books with elements of magic, wizards and witches. If it is not a clear-cut matter of haram or halal Islamically, trust your gut instinct and follow your intuition. To beat the mum guilt, you can say NO with discussions, explanations and sincere sympathy for a child’s frustration. Iroda Ahmed#islamicparenting#homeschooling#raisingyoungscholars#parentinggoals
