How helpful is “mum guilt”?

I often hear from mothers “I feel terrible about this” or “I feel so guilty about that”. Mum guilt is a real thing. And unless taking an antidote, it can be self-distorting, damaging and mentally exhausting.

Mum guilt is a mixture of feelings namely self-doubt, anxiety and uncertainty. Many of us have been there- these feelings keep creeping up in our mind because we think we are failing and falling short of society’s expectations of being a ‘good mother’.

There are so many categories of it- ‘working mum guilt’, ‘yelling mum guilt’ or ‘spanking mum guilt. You name it. What if you are a home-educating mother at that? A mother who took 100% responsibility for her child’s academic education will suffer an extra layer of mum guilt- Am I doing it right? Am I teaching what the child is supposed to learn at this age? Am I overdoing it? Am I underdoing it? Is she academically at the level or below level?

Depending on each family’s circumstances and children’s temperament mum guilt may form its own unique characteristic for each mother. In the next few days, I will be writing about mum guilt and how to beat it.

First of all, we have to get to the root cause of the issue. What is making you feel guilty – spanking, yelling, screaming, extra screen time, not being able to spend more time with your child due to work, not being able to cook at home more often, not feeding healthy food (too many takeaways/sweets/cakes), not doing enough Ramadan activities or Mathematics/English and Science lessons. It could be a mixture of things but there usually are one or two dominating guilt factors. Beware of your thoughts, especially those recurring thoughts that unconsciously crawl up your mind when you are cooking, cleaning or doing some other work. What are they mostly about? Get them out of your head and jot them down in a paper. We will be learning how to formulate an action plan based on these conclusions later on insha’Allah.

Second, stop comparing yourself to others. Those mums who seem to be so confident on social media platforms- they are just as scared as us in real life. They are just as worried regarding their children as us. Those mums whose houses seem so clean and organized at all times in your Instagram stories- they may have a big pile of mess just behind the camera. They may have an Instagram proof corner while the rest of the house may be untidy. Social media and instant gratification have added an extra burden and pressure on motherhood. Stop comparing and ease off the pressure.

The truth is we all have weaknesses and weak moments. However, we all project our strengths and strong moments to the outside world. You can’t compare your weak moments to someone else’s strong moments. We never know someone else’s full story and the grass is never greener on the other side.

Third, accept and validate yourself. I am who I am – with all my shortcomings, insecurities and vulnerabilities. A mother who can’t embrace her authentic self will find it difficult to accept her children for who they are. Know that there is no such a thing as a perfect mother. Every one of us is flawed. Every mother has yelled, spanked, screamed and cried at some point. None has ever scored 100% in this game. Remember, you are a strong woman and every strong woman can have a weak moment. Don’t let those weak moments define you.

#islamicparenting#homeschooling#raisingyoungscholars

To be continued tomorrow inshaAllah.