How to Balance Marriage and Motherhood: Avoiding Conflict and Rekindling Connection

She heard the door unlocking and dread filled her heart. Her kids, on the other hand, perked up at the sound and ran squealing and screaming to their dad who just returned from work. They were always elated to see him back, no doubt because he would indulge them a little bit and have some secret treat in hand. It was different for her though, she slowly got up and looked at the mirror. A weary fatigued face with eyes indicating her disturbed sleep looked back to her. It was a far cry from the twinkling eyes and exuberant smile that would welcome her husband home when they were newlyweds. She slowly walked toward the door where all her kids had clambered over their dad, each hanging on any part of him they could grasp. She smiled weakly at the amusing display and her husband nodded at her, a polite acknowledgement of her presence. That was all she could hope for now, polite respect and tolerance until he would chance upon the disaster hiding within her home that she couldn’t fix before his arrival. Then the grand finger-pointing blame game would begin.

Somewhere along the way after children, tantrums, schooling, responsibilities, bills, laundry, dishes and the ever-increasing to-do list, she felt their bond had weakened. There was already so much she was doing but instead of appreciation, she only got criticism. Instead of understanding her suffering and helping her, she saw her husband endeavour to avoid her complaining and fall more into the time trap of the Internet.

Is her anguish relatable?

Majority of studies show a decline in marital satisfaction between the couple after having children they both so fervently prayed for. Why does this happen, how could we avoid it and most importantly how can us, women manage the two roles of being a wife and mother successfully? 

“Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them.”

In Islam, men and women are mutually superior to each other. While a husband is the maintainer and leader of the household, it is his mother who will always reserve the right over him. That being said, in order to correctly comprehend our rights and duties, it important that we analyse our roles in the family dynamics and prioritise accordingly. The husband and children dynamics is not one requiring balance. A women’s duty as a wife comes before her role as a mother or daughter. As a mother, she must look after their basic needs and be attentive to their religious upbringing and character development. With that in mind, it becomes much clear as to how she must navigate in her journey of motherhood and marriage. Thus when the one role causes conflict for the other, here are a few things to be mindful of:

Expectations 

When children are little, it is quite natural that they are more needful of their mother’s time and energy and a young mother will definitely find herself exhausted and lost within the struggles to even plan beyond the daily cycle of mom-ing and housework. It is in that vulnerable state that shaitan can easily sow seeds of discord by planting expectations that are not properly communicated. 

We are always doing our best and our most for the children and our household along with the burden of labels like ‘super-mom’ that it is so easy to succumb to the feeling that your situation is unfair and you are cheated by the partner you expect to be supportive. 

Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and search in every nook and corner of your subconscious all the expectations that you are knowingly or unknowingly holding onto. Grab them, take them out and trash them. Fill that void by noticing what your spouse is already doing to support you and focus on that. Make it a habit to praise the little or big efforts he is making. Make sure he knows you notice and appreciate. What you focus on will grow.

“If you are grateful, I would certainly give you more; and if you are ungrateful, My chastisement is truly severe.” {14:7}

She spent the entire night nursing her colicky baby. When she felt the sunlight peeking through her curtains, she wanted to hide her blanket and pretend she wasn’t there. Her stomach was protesting empty yet she was too exhausted to even fix herself the simplest of breakfast. She heard her door open and wonder which kid was seeking her for breakfast until a delicious scent found her. Carefully she peeked out of her hiding place to see her husband hurriedly setting down some sandwiches beside the bed before rushing off to work. Her eyes watered.

Routine

It is natural that a mother will be more prone to rushing to her child’s side at every cry. Moreover, it is even harder to subdue the tingling temptation to intervene and control every aspect of their lives. Whether they fight or they struggle with school work, the urge to hover is very difficult to resist. To prevent being overly occupied in their activities, one of the best way is to establish a flexible yet clear routine so that the kids know what they are expected to do next instead of waiting for their parents to urge them toward completing every task or chore. 

This not only helps them become self-driven children but also gives the parents large pockets of time in which they could nurture their marriage and spend time together to maintain their connection.

She paused at the door, the secret sweet dish she had prepared to surprise him was in her hand but she could hear an argument brewing in the kids’ room. Every part of her itched to dash to the kids and demand them to behave in a kinder manner. Her carefully planned dessert would have to wait, of course, it is what happens when there are kids. Should she leave it, the fight might escalate and it would upset her more. No there was no time for things like a sweet conversation over dessert in peace in her life anymore. With a sigh, she turned back, a bitter resentment brewing in her heart because of always having to put her plans on hold. 

“what is that in your hands?” 

She almost dropped the dessert in surprise and turned to look at her husband watching her curiously. She stood at the edge, teetering whether to continue with her plan or drop it to rescue the children but then she daringly blurted, “it… it is for you. I really appreciated the breakfast and I…”

His eyes softened and a wide smile blossomed and she stared in shock. In the background, she heard the volumes drop and an unbelievable peace was compromised between the siblings without her intervention. 

Compassion

Our contemporary media and literature thrives on selling the idea of being madly in love as the only recipe for success in a husband and wife relationship. This notion of love as a giddy excitement to be in each other’s presence, to be breathlessly attracted and inseparable makes couples doubt the strength of their marriage as time passes and they spend less time together. In reality, they have only become passive and at ease in each other’s company that they no longer strive to do things that made them feel so ‘in love’. 

To be in love is to commit to being compassionate, to choose to respect, honour and connect. When time changes and life’s expectations take a toll on our energies, it is vital that we are prepared to be compassionate and kind instead of seeking the thrill associated to being in love in our marriages.

Intentional Attention 

We don’t fall ‘out of love’ but rather we are no longer willing to go out of our way to do certain intentional actions that would express our love and appreciation to our spouses. With the taxing burden of raising and nurturing children of various age groups, it is very easy to fall prey to a victim mindset. We feel paralysed by our occupied routine and don’t take the first step to give the attention instead focus on what is being given to us. We fail to realise that we can’t change a person but we can only change ourselves. 

She jumped at the sound of the alarm and rushed to stop it. Her son looked at her confused, “what is that alarm for, mom?” 

“Your dad will be home soon and I wish to make him feel like I was waiting for him and I’m pleased to see him back. So while I take a quick shower and get ready, you will look after the younger ones.”

He crosses his arms, unamused. “I don’t want to look after them. Why do you have to take a shower and dress up just because he is coming home?”

She smiled and pinched his cheeks, “because it will make him feel special. He is after all the head of this family. Making him happy and strengthening our bonds will also make Allah happy with us all.”

When she emerged, looking and feeling much fresher, the children were dumbstruck but it was someone else who stood stunned, unbelieving at the smiling and sweet-smelling beauty.

Spoil and Spoilt

Galeema Davids writes in the book, Soft and Strong for Women, ‘Let your marriage be at a 60/40 dynamics. Let him be 60 and you be 40. Let him always be like he is investing more, doing more and contributing more. Don’t let him feel that he owes you because you are always one step ahead and giving, doing and finding solutions and finding his keys and always having the answers and always being so so super helpful. It’s not helping your marriage for you to always have the answers. It’s not helping your marriage for you to be so helpful. Stop it, stop it. Just be.’

We all are victims to the perfect mom myth, striving to reach the paragon of maternal excellence who does everything from neat arts and crafts, to homemade organic snacks with a pristine house all while being stylishly dressed with just the right amount of mascara. There is also the cultural baggage that immensely pressures the women to ensure their husband dare not lift their hands for a glass of water. How did they iron their own clothes, what was the shameful excuse of the wife doing meanwhile? 

While it is commendable to be able to manage all chores and letting the husband come home to a peaceful refuge instead of a Lego disaster but are you in the process of all these tasks able to finish the basic self-care? The martyrdom of only doing and giving will not strengthen your marriage nor will it make your children learn to value you. Worse you could just be filling up the resentment pot feeling like you are doing more and began to feel like your marriage is no longer fair. 

She knew it was a tough day, two kids were sick and clingy. She was at her wit’s end. However, dinner needed to be made and the children’s room looked like a hurricane. Also just what will her husband wear when he comes home? She hurriedly finished the most pressing of all tasks and turned to fix something to eat from the scratch but paused. Her back was aching and she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to carry out a single conversation after getting through with cooking.

But no, while the kids were sick it was essential to have a healthier dinner. It was just a seemingly small sacrifice but her family didn’t need sacrifice, they needed a happy her. She picked her phone and asked her husband, “you need to spoil me today. I’ve had a tough day with kids and now I need a feast fit for a queen and you will arrange that mister!”

“I only spoil when I could be spoilt as well,” he teased.

“but of course you must please the lady first.”

Dua

Last but definitely not the least, Allah can change hearts, He can change your condition and send help in ways, from places you have never imagined. He is the one you can pour your heart in front of and He will listen. 

However, “Allah never changes the condition of a people unless they strive to change themselves.”  {13:11} 

So you must focus within yourselves first to bring about a change inside you where you feel confident performing both roles without fearing neglect and consequences of it for your husband and children. Your husband’s rights over you supersede those of children. Your job as a mother in raising your children is to ensure their needs and wishes are fulfilled while guiding them to the Straight Path to Jannah by pleasing Allah. Once in Jannah, inshallah they will be with their own spouses in their own Jannah while you would enjoy the status of being the Queen of the Hoor ul ayn with your husband for being a believing woman struggling throughout your life for good deeds and pleasing your husband. Your reward will be worth it. Inshallah 

“And those who say: Oh our Lord, gift us a gift for our spouses, our children, and future generations the coolness of eyes and make us leaders over those who are righteous, pious, and fearful.” {25:74}

For more information on the role of a wife and mother, tune in to this week’s amazing podcast, Monday Musing Episode 5 with Galeema Davids