Dilemmas of a Stay At Home Mum: Overcoming doubt and procrastination

Motherhood is a beautiful journey, a journey filled with crests and troughs. There will be days full of joy, confidence, clarity and vision, and then there will be moments of self-doubt, self-worth and procrastination. For a lot of mums, it’s not an easy transition, we are educated, bright and were working hard even before becoming mums, some had established careers, while others were aspiring and working to have one, so when blessed with the beautiful creation from our wombs to our world, life completely took a turn. For those of us who decided to be a stay at home parent, it didn’t come easy, a lot of forethought and anxiety of taking the big leap overwhelmed us, and then BOOM, suddenly those little beings, with sparkling eyes made it all happen like a smooth sail. 

I have been a SAHM for the last 9 years and the path has been amazing, I’ve lived through everything my kids have experienced, their days, their moments, their experiences are mine too,  taught them, played with them, been more than just a mother, a friend, a guide, a mentor, walking by their side, and loving and enjoying every bit of it, but gradually and slowly I started questioning myself, IS IT ALL??? Is my professional dream over?? Am I just going to do this for the rest of my life, or is this just a pause and a few years from now, once the kids are all grown up and independent, I will resume and get back to ‘WORK’. To top it up were the societal pressures, explaining to most of the people (thankfully not family), why I am at home despite being an engineer and holding a masters degree in information technology, making you wonder if you’ve made the right choice and questioning your intellect. But across all this I could only see the little fingers holding tight to mine, the little steps trying to match mine, those little eyes trying to catch my attention and all that was enough to guide me through.

Research shows that more millennial women, especially in the west are becoming SAH parent unlike our last generation,  so while my mother was working full time  until she had her fourth child and had to move to India in a joint family set up, I on the other hand chose to be a SAH mum. In my journey so far I’ve met some amazing SAH parents who inspire me to do more , be more and aspire more. But one thing common is that we all have at some point or the other questioned our choice, undermined ourselves and also hoped to get back to work someday (which we can inshaAllah).

I realized that a lot of our insecurities and self-doubt stem from our need of seeking others approval of our lives. I was so happy bringing up my kids in a way I had wanted to, working not just for their intellectual, but character and spiritual growth as well. Every day is exciting and challenging. When I see my little beings talk, understand and participate in the activities I design for them, when I see people appreciate them for their wit, knowledge and confidence, I swell up with pride. I read this quote: “Sometimes the most empowering thing you do is who you raise” and it hit me so hard. I have never been busier in my life, not even when I was working, and that’s because I am taking my job of being a mother very seriously. 

While a part of my motherhood was spent in self-doubt, and thinking if I’ve chosen the wrong option, I realized to my benefit that I’ve made a wise choice. I would like to clarify that a mother is a mother, regardless of whether or not you work outside the home. We all have the same responsibility and carry out more or less the same tasks of caring for children. While some of us are blessed to have the option of staying at home, the other mums may not even consider this due to financial responsibilities or other family circumstances. I weighed my options, and I thought working for someone 9-5 am and being a part of their success wasn’t worth my time or effort of being away from children. I gave it a thought further to enhance my purpose and find my worth in my work….I realized that the most important job was to raise the next generation and I am a contributor to that, an intelligent and mindful mother can raise kids to be bright and confident, In Sha Allah. Being an educator I pledged that I’ll teach my kids with the same enthusiasm, planning and effort as I did at my work. If I could be a good teacher for my students, I had to be best for my own kids. So every time I doubt myself, I go back to my ‘WHY’ and I get back with firmer and more convinced with my choice.

So for all the SAH mums out there, I know there’ll be a lot of challenges along the way, and one valuable tip I’ll give you all is to prioritize your own self. Know that you can’t be running and doing things on an empty tank. So taking good care of yourself is essential for your family as well. A lot of SAH mums suffer from depression because they are not filling their own tanks, it’s important to know that being a SAH parent isn’t an easy job. It’s physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting and for some, there is no venting out. You do need a strong support system, you need your village to talk it out.

My own journey resonates with Umm Khalid’s, who is a Harvard graduate and was working prior to having kids, how she took the leap and moved ahead to her calling. For more information on “How to beat SAH mums depression and procrastination” tune in to this week’s podcast Monday Musings Season 2 episode 3.