Day 27: To Spank or Not to Spank?

I get numerous questions from young mothers on the topic of spanking. “Do you hit your children? What’s your opinion about spanking? Is it ok to hit children sometimes?”
It seems to me that almost every mother who ever lived hit her child one time or another. If you haven’t yet, hats off, mashaAllah!!! I truly admire your self-control skills. However, being human, most of us get mad and lose our patience. We have thoughts that our children ought to behave in certain ways and when they don’t, we lose control and sometimes the smack is the result.

Hence most parents resort to spanking at one time or another, it sounds almost irrelevant question to ask whether parents should spank their children or not. What is more important to ask is: how helpful is spanking? Is it a constructive form of discipline? Does it teach children anything useful? I think more often than Yes, the answer is No. Spanking is helpful in a way because it relieves our frustration and anger swiftly. However, it often doesn’t teach anything constructive to a child because children miss the point or the logic when their emotional needs aren’t met or when we teach by a negative example.

For example, I have two children who particularly don’t get on well. Despite their big age gap and opposite genders, they often get into arguments. One day my boy of 8 took a swat at his 3-year-old sister. I immediately descended upon him slapping and howling “You can never hit someone smaller than you. This should teach you a lesson”. Within seconds, there came out a response I wasn’t expecting “Why are you hitting me then? I’m much smaller than you”. I tried to blurt out somethings in my justification “Well, you are my child. You can hit your own children when they don’t listen to you. But you can’t hit someone else’s child. Your sister is my child and you can’t touch her.” I paused to make sure if what I said was making sense and then quickly added “It doesn’t matter how much she annoys you, you still can’t touch her. She’s not your child”

Later it occurred to me that logic was missing in that lesson. Another all-too-familiar scene between mother and child is saying statements like “Stop shouting. Be quiet and speak properly” while yelling at the top of our lungs. There seems to be a natural tendency among us mothers to teach by negative example sometimes. It hardly seems likely that my son is going to learn much about not hitting if that is the technique I have to use as a solution. Sometimes I think back to justify my actions. Even when I think I was most rational about spanking, at the end of the day, I still haven’t taught my child any valuable lesson.
Do this reflection task. Remember, the last time you said “You won’t listen unless I shout, yell or hit. I have to give you a spanking so you remember not to do it next time”. Now, remember the many times you repeated the same statements prior to that last incident- if spanking ever worked we wouldn’t have to repeat these lines ever. Is spanking then counter-productive?

There is only one acceptable rationale for spanking. When we are so afraid, so worried, so angry, so frustrated, so impatient, and overwhelmed- we just do it. There is no need trying to justify it. And most often than not, later we regret our action. Either we feel so guilty that we can’t even talk to our child about it or we try to justify it so we say “I had to do that to make you understand….”. But if you want to pick up the pieces and move on to some better way of teaching your child a valuable lesson, you can apologize honestly and straightforwardly “I was so angry and I lost control. I am sorry.”

Most of us know that spanking is not the best way to keep our children in line. However, when your toddler doesn’t stop whining, your fifth grader refuses to do her school work, your preteen doesn’t do her house chores despite being told hundreds of times- it may take every ounce of consciousness to keep yourself calm and collected. In such situations, some of us resort to spanking. Dear mother, if this is true for you, don’t cook yourself in guilt and blame. Yes, we have to change our reactive ways and learn the skills to parent more consciously. However, that change doesn’t take place as long as you keep dwelling in your mistakes. Give yourself an excuse, get up and have that honest conversation with your child after each such an incident.
We often underestimate the importance of being able to say “I’m sorry” to a child. It’s one of the best life lessons for its message is simple and clear “Parents can sometimes lose control. Spanking isn’t the solution and while we know this we still can’t stop ourselves from spanking. That’s because everyone falters but the great thing about human beings is that they can always say sorry for their mistakes and strive to improve.” This is a great example for our children.

In conclusion, as a grown-up adult, we should try to be more mindful of children’s needs and sensitivities at different ages. Awareness gives us more choices and the more we are aware of our children’s needs, the more we are conscious in our efforts to discipline them. Spanking doesn’t offer a valuable lesson to teach about self-control. However, we are stuck with it to relieve our anger, fear and anxiety sometimes. Remember, when this happens, giving yourself forty lashes doesn’t solve anything. Instead, talk to your child, explain your worries and apologize. Children are great forgivers and seeing that their parents have their imperfections too can be a valuable life lesson to our children.

Follow us on social media:
www.raising-scholars.com
www.facebook.com/raisingsahabas
www.instagram.com/raisingyoungscholars