Pandemic Parenting 101: How to Confidently Overcome New Challenges

We find much to complain of in parenting and the lack of time has always been our chief complaint. Our lives have always been a race, with no time to pause and reflect as we rush from one task to another. We swiftly arrange the same for our young children the moment they learn to walk, talk and explore by sending them to preschool, clubs, evening Quran schools, basketball practice or so on. We confuse hustling to meaningfulness, just rushing through our day and ticking the box. Enter COVID-19, bringing our high-speed world to an unforeseen halt with most of us indoors, we now have that time that we were always short of. Family members who were always out and about can now spend time building the connection they were originally deprived of. The children are home, restless with suppressed energies waiting and wishing to be engaged and stimulated yet are we viewing this unexpected change in our lifestyle and routine as an opportunity or as a burden?

Before seeking any practical tips, it is essential to have a paradigm shift because if we refuse to part with our preconceived notions then no matter how many valuable gems of advice we collect, they would of little help. We will continue to be stuck in the cycle of confusion and challenges.

Looking back to COVID-19, it took too much from us. It took plenty of lives and livelihoods, increased mental health issues, isolated people, strained relationships and devastated the world economy. However, if we stop focusing on that and try to find what this pandemic offered us, we can finally take the first steps to overcome uncertainty and tackling these unprecedented challenges.

The Social Mom

Humans are social beings. We thrive while living and contributing to our societies. When social gatherings were put on hold to prevent the spread of the virus, we took the virtual alternative of social media to interact and socialize. Mothers sought to follow fellow mothers looking for support and guidance in their parenting. There is definitely a huge support network full of information, tips and tricks on social media but there is still a catch.

Seeing selected perfect glimpses in someone’s life only serves to make you insecure of your own. The carefully curated posts are the highlights of their days, not their concealed challenges. Naturally, when we constantly feed ourselves other’s limitless bounties, our own limitations become glaringly obvious.

“If you could, make the children quiet for a bit,” her husband poked his head out of the room he had holed himself in trying to work from home, “I can’t hear a single word in my meeting.”
She exhaled and marched towards the children’s room. They were supposed to be doing their school work so why was there such a chaotic uproar?
The moment mom-warden slammed opened the door, the children scurried back to their designated places, hopping over scattered Lego. She felt the telltale signs of an approaching headache, “why were you both out of your spots? And why…”
She broke off and shrieked as her eyes landed on the toddler feasting on her sibling’s glue. She grabbed the sticky child and turned to the older kids in rage, “I step into the washroom for a few minutes and not only did you make a joke of your work, but you also neglected your little sister. Can I expect anything good from you? Just why was this glue out of your bag?” She yelled.
“Volume down please…” She heard her husbands call and bristled. Why did she have such an uncooperative family? Why didn’t her kids finish their worksheet with a smile, why couldn’t her hard labour of cleaning maintain for even fifteen minutes?

• Regularly do a social media detox, even if you use it for work or research purposes
• Unfollow when you notice that following a certain account or person fills you with longing instead of inspiration.
• Try gratitude journaling
• Reflect on the Hadith:

Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said:
“Look at those who are beneath you and do not look at those who are above you,”

Ibn Majah

The Police Mom

She entered the room intending to look for a missing slipper and from the corner of her eyes, she saw a flash of changing screens. She turned towards the children’s computer, their distance-learning class in progress and narrowed her eyes. “Do you think you could fool me?” She demanded, “As if quickly closing the game tab will forever leave me unaware that you were playing games in class? I can always check the history.”
Her son apologized profusely and her anger cooled. With a firm warning, she went back to her chores. Her son returned to his computer unfazed. ‘Browser history?’ He smiled, ‘His friend just told him of something called Incognito Tab…’

With most schools and learning programs shifting online, the children are getting more screen time with limited supervision. Children usually find ways to get around their parents who have limited technological experience. Allowing them to have unsupervised access to the internet is not safe as cyber crimes and accidental exposure to pornography have monumentally increased.

That being said, policing young children’s internet usage is not an easy task so what can parents do in the current unavoidable situation?

These things have always been available online. Unsupervised children have been falling victim to this cyber misconduct even before the pandemic. It is important to shift our role from being police to a teacher. One day, our kids will inevitably be browsing the internet without the threat of us spying on them. It shouldn’t be threats that stop them from that guilty click but rather strong values instilled with love and connection.

We need to accept and embrace our responsibility as the first teacher of our children. When we pass our responsibilities to a school or teacher, it only serves us by shifting the blame that was rightly for us to someone else. Blaming is easier than taking responsibility so don’t take the easy way out because the stakes here are high. This opportunity to witness your children’s education is the very time that you complained you didn’t have before. It is not the burden of the pandemic, it is a blessing in disguise so you can involve yourself and witness the curriculum and the teaching methods. Analyze the good and the bad and especially try to understand why your children are not connecting to your values. Find moments to reach out and connect with empathy and love because to teach your children the ability to choose between right and wrong is your responsibility as a parent, not the schools.

The Confident Mom

We have access to a staggering amount of information on parenting, child development, education, neuroscience and so on. This should leave us more confident and equipped as parents but sometimes it only bewilders and paralyzes us. There is a never-ending list of you-should and you-must which may very well be impossible to check out.

Furthermore, the societal changes brought about with COVID-19 demands another list of merits from stressed-out parents. Thus faced with so many requirements on the road to becomes a perfect parent, it is normal to feel uncertain.

It is important to remember:

• Allah made you the perfect mom
• “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (2:286)

When Allah blessed us with our children, He also blessed us with the abilities we needed to raise them according to His Pleasure. He created you as YOU. He did not place you in your family as a coincidence. Your family, your children don’t need that mother off Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest. They need the real you. Your imperfection is a teachable moment. You teach them humility in not knowing, you teach them resilience by struggling, you teach them flexibility and patience by changing and adapting to the needs of the time and then you teach them empathy and kindness when you give them love and understanding.

You may not have answers to everything but that only means that you should seek it. Model to your children that learning doesn’t start or stop at school for it’s a lifelong journey. If you aren’t well-versed in teaching them anything then go out, research, make mistakes but keep on learning. Just like during sickness we seek a cure; when faced with uncertainty seek answers, research, seek help, make mistakes but try again and learn.

A confident Muslim is one who has tawakkul, trust in Allah. He works and seek knowledge-ties the camel but submits and surrenders to Allah’s Will in peace because it is He who knows what’s the best for us. It is only after doing your best and trusting Allah’s plan that you can overcome any challenge, confident and content.

سُبْحَانَكَ لَا عِلْمَ لَنَا إِلَّا مَا عَلَّمْتَنَا ۖ إِنَّكَ أَنْتَ الْعَلِيمُ الْحَكِيمُ

Glory be to You, we have no knowledge except what you have taught us. Verily, it is You, the All-Knower, the All-Wise. (2:32)

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For more information on overcoming challenges due to the pandemic through a paradigm shift, tune in to the podcast, Monday Musings Episode 8 with guest speaker, Zahirah Lynn Eppard from Sound Vision.