How to Survive and Thrive as a Single Parent: Challenges and practical solutions to deal with it

Marriage as an institution is deemed blessed in Islam. A hadith says that a man completes half of his deen when he marries, it’s a sunnah to marry and anyone who can marry should marry. This was the first relationship Allah SWT established in Jannah, Allah SWT addressed Adam’s AS need of companionship in the shape and form of a spouse HAWWA AS, not as children nor as parents or any other relationship, and so as a believer one must understand and sanctify the gravity of this relation.

Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said, “When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the deen; so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.”

At-Tirmidhi Hadith 3096 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik

However this worldly life is full of trials and tribulations, and they come in different forms, some will be tested with wealth, some children while some with other with relationships and hence many relations would crumble and fall apart not necessarily owing to someone’s mistakes, but often due to a bigger picture and plan. Sometimes it’s a path to becoming what we might become

We are evolving as a society. Coming from an urban background, I’ve seen that change within my lifetime. I have seen how when I was small people took separation and being a single parent with dismay and outrageousness. However, gradually, this attitude is changing. It is no longer becoming a shocking deal. While culturally it is still a stigma, there is a certain level of acceptability when divorce happens due to compatibility issues nowadays.

Today, as the world became a global village due to advances in the Internet and Social Media, connecting people from all different parts of the world, we hear stories, we listen to podcasts, we watch youtube webinars about marriages either breaking it or making it. We read stories of how young married couples figure out if they want to be a part of the nuptial bond carrying all the mental and emotional burden and baggage that comes with it, or if they want to part ways ( sometimes cordially and sometimes very bitterly) having figured out that they don’t make a compatible match. It’s important to note that, while as a community we acknowledge its sanctity, it is worth to point out that although it’s not a recommended act in Islam, Allah SWT hasn’t made it haram. Allah SWT wants us to keep the relation going and put all possible efforts to keep the bond intact, but at the same time HE doesn’t want to burden us by being in an unhappy and draining union.

That being said, there is still a certain amount of disparity between women who lose or are left by their husbands and the women who consciously decide to get out of the family union, the former being sympathised and consoled while the amount of judgement and critics the latter are subjected to is insurmountable. Forget about coping  with a relationship loss (yes even though by their own choice), they even have to deal with unsolicited rebuke. I personally know of a few women who are suffering mentally and emotionally in an unhealthy marriage yet not able to move out because of the taboo the word DIVORCE still is in many societies.

However contemporary it may sound it is definitely not a smooth sail, amongst the various challenges faced by the separated mums the most critical and often overlooked one is maintaining cordial relation with the ex-spouse, for the sake of children. Whatever be the reason for a divorce it’s not easy to keep contact with the ex-spouse. Very often women need to be out of sight to recoup from the emotional baggage and memories of a broken relationship and to not be able to do so, for the well being of their children is often traumatic. Another critical challenge is a financial responsibility that single mums have coerced in to post the relationship breakup. It is an especially painful situation for women who had given up on their careers and dreams in the hope of nurturing and bringing up a family and devoting themselves 24/7, and now they are all by themselves trying to make ends meet. It’s overwhelming for someone who hasn’t been working for years, suddenly being in a situation involving not just recovering from a relationship loss and trying to bring up children despite the emotional trauma, but even worrying and working towards the financial aspect.

Recent studies confirm that 32%-50% of women regret having made the choice, this can be attributed essentially to the regret psychology in women, of making decisions and regretting having made them, or even regretting about decisions and choices they did not make. But a part of it also comes from our society. This society induced regret is heartbreaking. Also in many cases, it’s the immediate family who threatens women of the disastrous consequences of a broken marriage, and its impact on children, often forcing her to continue in an unhealthy and rather straining relationship.  While both partners should make every possible effort to keep the relation going, very often this would involve overlooking each other’s ignorable mistakes (seeking the reward from the Almighty), focusing on self improvement in a relationship and finding ways to nurture the bond and resolving conflicts at the onset, but in many cases it’ll be impossible to move forward and the need to address and settle the issue once and for all.

In last week’s podcast Sister Liyana Musfirah (https://www.instagram.com/liyanamusfira/) an ustadha, an author, a single homeschooling mum of three adorable kids, discusses some really practical and pragmatic tips on overcoming challenges faced by single mums and also gives hands-on solutions to this often debilitating situation unless dealt cautiously. She is also the author of a book titled The Spiritual Strength in Our Scars: Emerging from Personal Struggles With Resilience (https://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Strength-Our-Scars-Resilience-ebook/dp/B08L3QHZ1G)

One of my favourite tips is choosing the right key for your situation, and not giving up, very often we doubt ourselves and feel inadequate to take care and deal with the situations, trials and challenges we’ve been subjected to. We look at others and feel they are better equipped to deal with problems and are more resilient than us, which isn’t the truth. Allah SWT never burdens a soul beyond what it can bear, and so all your challenges are yours because you have the key to unlock them. So have faith, trust Allah SWT and know that this is only a means to make you stronger and strengthen your bond with the Almighty.