I’m such a people’s pleaser

Question: I’m such a people pleaser. I don’t know how to say NO or when to say NO. We have been raised to be very compliant and that’s why I think I quickly get angry when my kids say NO. My mind quickly jumps to – How dare you say no? Who are you to say no? And I yell and scream and only to regret it later. Please advise

Here’s one of the emails I received recently. First of all, know that it’s not your fault. We’ve developed some neurol pathology while growing up which makes us very reactive parents. Having said that, it’s your responsibility to raise healthier children. And here’s what you need to know.

What children need the most growing up is two things: 1. SAFETY AND SECURITY.2. VALIDATION AND APPROVAL. What does validation mean? It means seeking approval – when others can relate to your feelings. Why is there a need for validation? The need for friendship, companionship, a sense of belonging – these desires arise from the limbic brain. We human beings are social creatures and have different desires (physical, social, spiritual etc).

If you were emotionally neglected as a child- i.e your emotions were dismissed and not acknowledged a lot, then this part of a brain doesn’t develop optimally. This part of the brain gets stressed because its need is not being met- what does it do? It gives you 3 options, fight, flight, freeze. As a child, we only go for the FREEZE option as we can’t fight or flight. For example, If someone starts abusing you verbally in a room, as an adult you either fight back or get up and leave the room. But as a child, most of the time your only option is to stare back and shut down those parts of your brain – spacing out, tuning out.

Your brain does this unconsciously because it wants to protect you. But if this is happening at the time when your brain is growing the fastest- what will happen? Literally, every minute the brain makes billions of connections between the age of 0-5 and being asked continuously to FREEZE, then it becomes pathology for ADD, ADHD, depression and anxiety later on. People’s pleaser comes from the unmet need of never being validated as a child. You didn’t feel safe or accepted. Other symptoms of this unmet need is you keep overexplaining or over justification, other than the obvious not being able to stay your ground or maintain boundaries.

Now, why do I keep explaining this? So you understand IT wasn’t your fault. So your number one job is to drop the self-blame, self-judgment and guilt-tripping. None of us chose where and in what circumstances to be born- so accept this as a test from Allah. And know that Allah never burdens a soul more than it can bear.

Second, regulate your emotions. Change the narrative in your mind – it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to cry, it’s even ok to be depressed- that’s a coping mechanism your brain developed. But the more you allow yourself to just be there with your emotions – the easier they will pass. Every morning repeat: It’s ok to feel this, it will pass. Everything is temporary, it’s just a phase, it will pass. Validate yourself (self-regulation instead of self-suppression)

Third, remember, emotions are a result of your thoughts. Don’t personalize, don’t overthink about the matters – shaitan is using your mind to plant seeds of negativity. You can change your thoughts – and in order to do this, you have to feed your mind with inspiring ideas – read a book, listen to a talk, talk to someone who inspires you.

Fourth, BOUNDARIES. Identify and establish your boundaries. Because you constantly seeking validation and approval from others around you, you go to extreme measures sometimes. Again, you do this unconsciously. You keep saying yes to everyone and everything and then in the long run this makes you full of resentment and bitterness. You want to please people sometimes at the cost of your own well-being. So that you get a sense of belonging – the unmet need.

Know when to say NO. Know when to say Yes. This is your boundary. When your child says no – don’t perceive it as a threat. It’s only a trigger to bring back your vulnerable side. Don’t personalize it – they say No to discover their own WILL and have a sense of choice, not to make you angry or push you aside.

Listen to your intuition – I don’t have to attend every social gathering or I don’t have to be liked by everyone. People’s opinions of you will always be based on self-interest. Don’t focus on being liked and accepted. Focus on liking and accepting yourself first. Focus on your relationship with Allah and He will bring the right people to you at the right time insha’Allah.