Raising Teens – To Do and Not-To-Do List for Muslim parents

Raising teens – SubhanAllah, my eldest is going to hit 15 soon and that’s exactly where I am at now. Trying to figure it all out – how not to lose my temper through mood swings, withdrawal symptoms, and rejections. Yes, they refuse to talk to you. I have been reading lots of books lately on raising teens and listening to some talks. And I will try to summarize it all here insha’Allah.

1. We have to feed their minds with inspiring ideas so they choose to stick to doing the right things by themselves. Encourage them with inspiring ideas and thoughts.

2. Try to establish habits–habits of praying on time, doing their best, the habit of paying attention, the habit of gratitude, the habit of obedience – all through inspiring stories, short hadiths, ayah from the Quran.

3. No nagging, threatening, or lecturing. It doesn’t work at all. You can’t force them to do anything, and if/when you do it will be momentary, not long term change. They will only stick to something long-term when they want it for themselves. So you have to explain in a way that they want it for themselves and find inner drive/motivation to do that.

4. Give them choice and allow room to fail. This is only natural as we are all bound to make mistakes. Have high standards but expect them to sleep through Fajr, to argue, to talk back. None of them means you are failing as a mother. All children behave in this matter at times because they do not how to deal with physical, emotional, hormonal changes any better. Our job is to be patient and remember to reason after relating and regulating.

5. 3Rs of dealing with upsets/trauma/incidents – regulate their feelings. Make them calm first – hugging, cuddling, saying it’s OK to be upset or it’s OK to be angry. Relate – explain sometimes you too get angry or upset. It’s normal, there’s nothing wrong with them. All people have different feelings at different times. Basically, we have to validate their feelings. Teenagers often tend to think they’re abnormal or something is specifically wrong with them. Then reason – explain what you want them to do in short, precise, and to the point words. Like “when you pray on time, the reward is greater” and WALK AWAY. Don’t stand there lecturing for 5 mins, like I do. Or even worse, instead of encouraging, I start criticizing “What’s the point of memorizing Quran if you can’t even pray your Salah on time?” Allahu mustaan. Remember, even 1-2 mins is too long for teens. Your reasoning must be short and inspiring like 10-20 seconds so it leaves them thinking and allowing to make that decision for themselves.

6. Rewards and consequences. This system works only when rewards and consequences are of value to them. So we should use natural rewards and natural consequences, and not material things. By now we have realised that they no longer care for stickers or sweets. There will be a time they stop caring for money too. By natural rewards I mean things like family outing. “If you stick to praying on time for one week, we will go out at the weekend. We can go anywhere you want” or natural consequences “For every day you fail to do your bed in the morning, you will have to do an extra chore. One of your other sister’s chores” And keep making lots of dua.

7. Finally, Make loads of dua and always remember THEY HAVE TO CHOOSE ISLAM FOR THEMSELVES. Whatever you are trying to teach, a habit you are trying to establish – the only kind of change is when they want it for themselves. So keep encouraging and inspiring and motivating. We have to keep feeding their mind with inspiring ideas but using only short and inspiring words. No lecturing, threatening like “If you do that, then no screen time. If you don’t do that, I will put your tablet away” Or worse is nagging. All these tactics achieve nothing in the long run. The results will be momentary but as they adult more, even these momentary results will become impossible.

May Allah guide us and them. And remember, they have to choose ISLAM or ISLAMIC CHARACTER for themselves. May Allah give us abundant patience to get through this stage and preserve our children for us. Ameen.