Addressing the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of our children: Mistakes and lessons

Sarah is 1year old and you rush to the slightest indistinct noise that comes from her room, reason- “Sarah can’t speak, and so Sarah needs to be understood”, but as this little Sarah grows older and begins to communicate, you stop responding to her in the way you used to. You have developed this notion that since Sarah isn’t a baby now, she doesn’t need to be understood….if she wants to, she has to make an effort to make herself heard and understood. Yes, you think your time for intuition and identifying cues is over…. 
YES????

This, perhaps, is the biggest Parenting mistake we all are guilty of making in our parenting journey. Children need to be understood at every age and at every point in time, they will not always be able to communicate what they want (even though they have mastered the language), and this very often will come out reflecting in their behaviors and temperaments. When a child behaves abnormally and unexpectedly, know there is an unattended physical, emotional or spiritual need. They don’t need to fix their little selves, we need to fix our connection with them. It’s very sad, but true that parenting a child is the most overlooked and trivialized job in the world we live in, RESULT – a generation of emotionally unstable kids, kids with emotional disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of empathy… just to name a few. Sadly we live in a world where the intelligence quotient is prioritized over the emotional quotient:

I.Q > E.Q.

The problem here is, we are focusing on creating an army of super-intelligent kids who don’t know how to deal with their emotions. So basically you have a child who knows everything but gets triggered easily and doesn’t know how to deal with emotions, and this, BELIEVE me, is a recipe for failure…

Up until a few years back, not much was talked about emotional health and resilience, all we knew was that our kids have physical needs like they need affection (restricted to the form of hugs and kisses), nutrition, a safe and secure environment, hygiene and good healthcare, and we thought as long as we were meeting all those needs, we are on the right track and have mastered the science and art of parenting…. All thanks to our pseudo belief system. You must be providing your child with the best of places to live in and the best of meals to feed on, but if you are not attentive and sensitive to their emotional needs you are doing them more harm than good. 

The Status Quo of our emotional states is deeply rooted in the imprints we received as children, around how to express feelings and emotions…and this is enough of a reason for each one of us to take care and be mindful of the emotional needs of our children, for this is something they’ll carry within themselves for life. Now let me cite an example here to clarify this: if you remember being stopped from crying on the pretext of being a boy and not being strong enough, or shamed for the mistakes you made or even made to sit in time outs as a punishment to your rebellious/non-compliant behavior, you had been emotionally repressed.  Just like any physical need, it is a recurrent process too, you cannot think that I gave my child good food yesterday and so I am done now, each day you have to fill their plate not just physically but emotionally.

Emotional needs of a child:

1. Give them unconditional respect:

OHHH…Some of you might be wondering if I have made a mistake here because our entire lives we grew up with the notion that only the “parent” is worthy and deserving of unconditional respect. Respect like any other feeling is mutual, You respect me and  I respect you, simple huh!? Simply because you have created an authoritarian regime in your home, where your word is the law and the kids are merely the executors of your dictatorship, doesn’t mean they respect you, fear is a force that might get you results for a short time span, but respect is what ensures a long term connection.

Dr. Seuss quote – “A person’s a person, no matter how small.”

2. Understand and listen to them (Mindful Parenting)

We live in a world full of distractions, hooked on to our devices, and even long after we put them aside, our mind hasn’t completely disassociated itself, the effects are dangerously lingering. And in these complex dynamics it’s hard to be mindful of our kids and their needs, the first step in building any safe and secure relationship is good communication, so next time they come running to you, keep everything aside, just look into their eyes and realize that everything other than THIS is a distraction, and see how this change in perspective becomes a stepping stone for a healthier relationship. 

Set aside time every day for your kids, the time they are just with you, no books, no screens, plain talk, let them talk about themselves and feel heard. Believe me, it’s magical, the transformational power it has is beyond comprehension. 

Researches across have shown an astounding impact of mindfulness on kid’s emotional health and resilience. So always be mindful of your kids, whatever time you spend with them should be free of distractions and fill it up with mindful activities.

3. Give warmth to them

I read somewhere “Your child is a hurricane, a breathtaking force of nature”. They are an amanah with you, while they may come through you they aren’t yours, so STOP taking and treating them like your property.

Sarah, your lovely toddler is now 8, and you already think that she is old enough to make mistakes right? 

She now throws her socks inside out and you are ready with your cleanliness and responsibility lecture, the light that illuminated from her mischievous face has faded somewhere, you only look for perfection, while being the most imperfect one yourself.

However old they grow, they should never outgrow your love nest, they should always know that you’ll have their back. STOP nagging them for being humans, kiss them, cuddle them, let them sit in your lap. This unconditional love and warmth will give them the wings to fly, will give them the confidence of a lifetime.

4. Help establish a spiritual connection

One most essential skill we ought to teach our kids early on is to handle failures/disappointments. The rising mental/emotional health issues faced by adults and young adults is on a rampant rise, even kids doing academically well are subjected to the unsurmountable pressure that comes with it, and hence its very important to lay a strong emotional foundation right from a very early age, apart from various techniques like breath regulation, vent out mechanism etc, one very crucial technique I figured out as a parent is- shunning the idea of ‘absolute self reliance’, when one knows that he/she isn’t fully responsible of the outcomes of his/her efforts and what matters is the process not the result, a lot of burden is shouldered off, in moments of crisis and unformidable situations , faith in the Supreme is critical ,  when you surrender and accept that you cannot control and govern everything happening in your life beyond a certain point and have a belief that the divine’s plan is better than your own, a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety is unloaded from your life and hence its very essential to build that spiritual connection with Allah in our kids ,from as soon as they are ready to understand

Mistakes and Solutions:

1. Look within yourself (Walk the talk ):

Your kids learn the most from you, they look up to you, good or bad, but this is the truth of the matter. So as a parent, model the correct behavior you want your child to emulate, this in itself is the scariest part of parenting, as none of us is perfect, but having said that this is also the most exciting part of parenting, where your own reformation takes place ( Allah has amazing ways to transform a person). So next time you ask your Sarah to not raise her voice during an argument check yourself too. There is no ideal parent and no perfect parenting, every child comes with their own needs and wants and your own role as a parent/ caregiver seeks constant transformation.

2. Don’t see the surface

For behaviors are like icebergs what you see is just the tip ….there is so much built up down there that needs to be fixed, no child is ever born with the intention of troubling their parents, behaviors are the cues (easiest way for them) to tell you that something isn’t right, imagine you are working somewhere and get fired one fine morning when met with the reason you are appalled “you had not been performing the way you were expected from last 10 months” is what you get to know, what would be your reaction…….unanimously anyone of us would say why weren’t we warned before so that we could mend, right?

And here your child is giving you that signal and you  so blatantly embrace nonchalance, putting it all on the child attaching labels to their personalities:

Attention seeker

Trouble maker

Uncooperative

Disrespectful

3. Pressure–

One of the biggest mistakes, we as parents, make in establishing a spiritual connection in our kids is, resorting to the emotion of fear rather than love. This happens across all teaching. In academics, we scare kids by the concept of examinations and marks achieved, rather than inculcating the love of learning, and similarly, in religious/spiritual education, we are more focussed on the repercussions/punishments of the don’ts rather than teaching the benefits of the do’s.

The first step in spiritual connection is creating a love for the divine, even the Quran starts with Bismillah Ar Rahman Nir Raheem, this is the foremost attribute Allah wants us to focus on, his infinite mercy when we connect through love rather than the fear of punishment, the relationship is stronger, nourishing and deep-rooted. So tell your kids about the mercy and rehma of the divine, let them come closer through this, Allah has put fitra(conscience) in everyone’s heart, it is as we go through this worldly life that we unlearn this, and so having a deep spiritual connection will not just help your child in sustaining and nourishing that conscience, but will also come to their aid when they need it the most.