How can I choose to RESPOND as a mother?
Day six- How can I choose to respond?
“I am certain I’m a failure as a mother. Otherwise, how could I possibly be angry with my children all the time? I scream and yell and then I feel utterly miserable. I was raised in an abusive family. My parents later ended up getting divorced. I wasn’t allowed to make any mistakes, my mother would scream and yell at me. I swore I’d never be that kind of a mother but I just can’t help it”.
Before I proceed to respond to this message, I want to clarify that I’m not a counsellor nor a therapist. However, I may have some recommendations based on my readings and experiences.
I think it is fair to say that all mothers feel like a failure sometimes. Even those who grew up in perfectly functioning households feel like a loser mother sometimes. It is comforting to know that it is normal. However difficult to be a mother at one stage of a child’s development, you may do very well at another. There is always hope. None is ever late to turn things around, especially when they want that change so badly.
Firstly, how can we choose to respond? If you have been a mother for a few years, you might have noticed that often when children do something wrong, your reaction isn’t in direct proportion to the “crime” they committed. Rather, your reaction is in direct proportion to how you are feeling about yourself in that specific moment. In a nutshell, the urge to react can be controlled only if you have a tankful of loving feelings yourself.
As mothers, we must nurture ourselves and not feel guilty about it. That child-free breakfast meet-up with your friends, that part-time cleaner couple of times a week, knowing that grandparents available to babysit if needed – these are essential for self-nurturance.
You can’t give from an empty cup. Regardless of age, every mother needs some ‘mothering’ herself. Journaling while sipping my cup of tea with a piece of dark chocolate in my bedroom will add to my patience. Perhaps daily exercise, waking up for tahajjud or an outing with a friend will add to your kindness. Each of us needs to do more of what will give us joy and support so that we can give love and attention to our children. Continuous self-nurturance helps you to respond more often.
Moreover, we really have to re-examine our motherhood fantasies. We often dream of angelic children who would always ‘listen and obey’. In my pre-motherhood days, I romanticized salah times like this: My husband would lead the salah. Kids are patiently taking turns to make wudhoo. Once done, we would all line up behind him and pray in peace. In my fantasies, my babies wouldn’t wail during salah, my toddlers wouldn’t argue who stands next to mummy. Pre-teens and teenagers never needed reminders, constant nagging or threatening “If you don’t do this, forget your tablet”. I laugh at those fantasies now because they are so far from our reality.
We romanticize things because deep inside we want a child who could make us feel we are wonderful people. In reality, we are expecting things children couldn’t possibly provide us. What I had to learn was that the only person who can make me feel a wonderful person, who could give me the confidence and approval is myself. My children’s actions are solely their actions and they are not born to make me feel good or bad about myself.
When we accept that, we come to another realization. We have to accept our children. While still guiding them to the truth, we have to accept that children have a right to their own peculiarities and personalities, even if those don’t measure up to our fantasies and expectations sometimes.
