How to foster sibling compassion
Day ten- What influences the way siblings interact?
What are some of the things that influence the way siblings interact with one another?
Firstly, they are born with different temperaments that may not suit each other, just like how oil and water don’t mix well together. One may be shy, introverted and withdrawn, another might be socially outgoing, optimist and active. One is a worrier another is a dreamer. We have to be realistic. In some sibling relations, our aim could simply be maintaining peace, not forcing them to play with each other peacefully ever after. They may be oil and water in character and just maintaining the distance for some time may help us to get through the troubled phase with fewer fights.
Other factors can include age and gender. Boys are physically more active. Girls can sit down for a prolonged time getting on with their art projects. Along comes a troublemaker brother who disturbs and annoys all the sisters because they aren’t playing football with him. So, maybe we can plan an outing or an activity for this boy to shake off his energy so that he doesn’t annoy his sisters. Age also influences sibling relationships. Two of my children who often get into arguments have nearly seven years of difference in age. It is a myth to believe the wider the age gap, the lesser the fights and arguments. On the contrary, they don’t read the same books, they can’t play the same games, they can’t have the same hobbies. They have less in common and therefore won’t spend much time together. So, taking all of these into considerations, how can we then foster better relationships among siblings?
We have established that the first step to overcoming sibling rivalry is to stop making comparisons. Second is to make children feel understood when they get mad with one another. Really, it should be acceptable for children to get angry. Otherwise, how is it the grown-ups are allowed to get angry? We seem to have a very good reason for yelling, spanking and saying mean words like “It’s the only way I can make you listen”. Remember, children imitate our behaviour, be it kindness or meanness, connection or coldness. If we want to foster a loving relationship amongst the siblings, we can only but display the same connection and compassion when they do things that annoy us. Fostering loving relationships require connection and compassion from all family members.
Secondly, if getting angry with siblings is acceptable, does this mean hitting each other is also acceptable? No, feelings and actions are different. I have to explain to a big brother that he can’t act out every feeling in a way that hurts his little sister. If we have the knowledge and patience, we can communicate this difference to all children.
Words are extremely powerful, more so to a young child. For example, most of us often say things like “Stop that this minute. You are very bad to hit your sister like this. God will punish you for such behaviour”. The children who have been made feel guilty for getting angry will conclude that it’s a sin to get angry. However much they try to repress their angry feelings, they can’t help it. They keep being mean because they are looking for an outlet to get rid of their unacceptable emotions. Compare it with “You have every right to get angry. Your sister shouldn’t have touched your lego dinosaur. You took all day to build it. You can get angry but you can’t hit her. Next time put it somewhere higher up where she can’t touch it”.
You can even suggest some funny ways to deal with anger like “If you feel like hitting, you can punch the pillow” or “Go to the bathroom and wash your face”. For older children, suggest making wudhoo and repeat istighfaar. Whatever an outlet we suggest for anger to get out, we should try not to make children feel guilty for the emotions they are experiencing. When they feel they are understood, they can display some compassion towards others. Showing empathy truly helps to overcome more sibling fights and arguments.
