How to be fair with children

Day eleven- Why I’m not “fair” with my children

In one of my workshops recently a group of mothers were engaged in a discussion. I can’t remember what we were discussing but a mother of seven disclosed “They are all your children. You love them all. But some children are just easier to love”. We all laughed at the time but I am sure every mother can relate to what she had disclosed. After the session, I admitted to one of my close friends (who was also at the workshop) that what this mother shared really resonated with me. She looked at me with “I swear that’s so true. Some children are just easier to love!”

I remember the days the more I tried to demonstrate fairness, the more my children would accuse me of being unfair. Because when we try to achieve absolute fairness, we try to treat all children alike, despite age, gender and character or a specific situation. This kind of “fairness” then causes a lot of resentment amongst the siblings.

One day my eldest daughter had a tough day at school. I knew it as the teacher had been in touch with me. I went into her room, offered her a hug and a whole bar of 70% dark chocolate. Later my son wanted some chocolate too and I gave him a small piece. A few days later, my son found this out that and declared “It’s not fair. Why do you give her more chocolate? Why did you get her things?”. I didn’t even try to refuse any of what he said. My answer was “You are right. I don’t treat you and Sumayya the same way. I don’t give you the same things. She’s much older than you and she’s a girl. What may be good for her may not be good for you. What she needs now, you may not need until you’re older”

I think we should know when to strike the balance in our attempt of being fair. There are situations to treat all children alike (getting Eid presents) and there are situations when trying to be fair is actually unfair. When one child falls ill- she needs special treatment and care. The same when one child achieves something big to celebrate- like memorizing new surah or completing Quran (reading). In such situations, I can’t get something for all children to be fair, rather a reward for one specific child seems fitting. We should be able to celebrate each child’s individual achievement or ease their “burden” when needed.

Every child deserves a special relationship with a parent at a special moment in their lives. I believe this will benefit all siblings relationships in the long run.

I used to receive “You are so mean” messages. I used to think I have to ban phrases like “It’s not fair” and “You are not fair” or else I would lose my sanity. Then I started saying “You’re darn right. I’m not fair. You two are different people and I can’t possibly treat you in exactly the same way”. It seems this was the kind of message my children needed to hear. The more I communicated this message, slowly but surely I achieved “satisfactory” results. (they stopped saying “You aren’t fair”)

They are all your children but they are all different humans with different needs and personalities. I have a child who loves hugs and a child who hates being touched. It’s impossible to love any two children in exactly the same way. If we are constantly trying to be fair in unrealistic ways, at one point we become puzzled because our way of handling situations is always unsatisfactory to one child or another. And in such situations, children are so good at taking advantage of our indecision.

So if you are a mother constantly trying to be fair, don’t be confused or worried if your children shout “It is not fair” or pass you “You’re old meany” message. Say it bold and loud “You’re darn right. I’m not fair. You two are different people with different needs and I can’t treat you in exactly the same way”. The more they hear it, the better.